its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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