You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
