obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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