That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
