the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you had me at cake vodka
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
