I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
