Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
