it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i now understand why vodka
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
