He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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