went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
