So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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