Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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