..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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