What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
