Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my being single is dangerous.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
