I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
