Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Your shirt... Was in my pants
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
