There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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