I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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