I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
