Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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