hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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