She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
