Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
