Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
