remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
