so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
