Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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