I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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