An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
