we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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