I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am puke
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
