i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
