I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
