He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
