i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
