i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
