He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
