I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
