Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
