Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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