someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
