I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
