Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
