u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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