how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
