I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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