Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
only if we run a train.
done.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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