I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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