I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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