That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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