I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
